


Star trek into darkness: Simplified scenario

by Opium



Category: STID - Fandom, Star Trek, Star Trek - Various Authors, Star Trek Into Darkness - Fandom, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Benedict Cumberbatch - Freeform, Cumberbatch, Fun, Gen, Other, Parody, Scenario, Star Trek - Freeform, Star trek into Darnkess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:14:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opium/pseuds/Opium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Star Trek: Into Darkness.<br/>Author deeply loves all the Actors and JJ, and didn’t mean to hurt or abuse anyone.</p>
<p>This was made just for fun. Enjoy!<br/>Big thanks to my friends)</p>
<p>CINEMA:<br/>TRUE TREKKIE:<br/>Well, let’s see what all those Abramses filmed.<br/>Precisely, everything will be distorted and not in any accordance with the canon.</p>
<p>NEW JUST_TURNED_INTO_TREKKIE  JJPHILS:<br/>YAAAY!! JJ MADE A NEW STAR TREK MOVIE!!! YAPPIIIEE!!!!!!!<br/>ABRAMS IS SUCH A CUTIE PIE!!!! JJ IS A TOTAL GENIUS!!!<br/>STAR TREK RULESSS!!! And what the fuck are phasers for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Star trek into darkness: Simplified scenario

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Краткий сценарий Стар Трек: Возмездие](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/35298) by Gordjia. 



CINEMA:  
TRUE TREKKIE:  
Well, let’s see what all those Abramses filmed.  
Precisely, everything will be distorted and not in any accordance with the canon.

NEW JUST_TURNED_INTO_TREKKIE JJPHILS:  
YAAAY!! JJ MADE A NEW STAR TREK MOVIE!!! YAPPIIIEE!!!!!!!  
ABRAMS IS SUCH A CUTIE PIE!!!! JJ IS A TOTAL GENIUS!!!  
STAR TREK RULESSS!!! And what the fuck are phasers for? 

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:  
Damn, now it will be those terrible bangs again,  
but ears like elves, and those eyebrows..   
Have to go to see weird stuff, just   
to see cupcake Zach. Though he is gay, sigh.

THAT STAR TREK music is playing.

EVERYBODY:  
OOOOOOOOOOH, HERE IT GOES!

Place: some planet 

THE DUDE IN BLUE running away from ALBINO through the RED FOREST.  
SUDDENLY appears

WILD ANIMAL:  
АRRRRRR!!!

THE DUDE IN BLUE:  
Piu-piu!

WILD ANIMAL falls, from his back appears KARL URBAN.

THE DUDE IN BLUE:  
(turning into CHRIS PINE)  
Yo, man, yo!

CHRIS PINE and KARL URBAN   
make an EPIC SICK JUMP FROM THE STEEP

CHRIS PINE:  
UIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
My character is emotionally lame, and I have to wear this   
repulsive costume, so I will just stupidly chant and harp  
all the way.. anyway all the hot chicks came  
to the cinema just to look at me.  
But at the end I will show, what a handsome beast I am!

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:  
What a repulsive costume! But Zachary is a handsome beast anyway.

 

ZACHARY QUINTO SAVES THE ALBINO PLANET

CHRIS PINE SAVES ZACHARY QUINTO

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
(stupidly chanting).

CHRIS PINE:  
Yo, man, we saved ya, really, yo, wow! 

Damn it, did anyone develop my character?   
It seems like he is a 14 year old.

ABRAMS:  
Shut up and make the pretty face.   
We spent all the money and time to develop  
another character.

CHRIS PINE:  
Which one??

ABRAMS:  
I’ll show you in a minute.

Place:   
THE EARTH, LONDON

The family of almost-legal, but got-ahead-in-life-migrants,  
SUFFERS.

MIGRANT:  
Well, well, as it always is - if there is a secondary  
character, he is black, Indian, or any other kind of no white.  
And they say there is no racism.

TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:  
And what’s more important - there is no script.  
Do you want me to make your Indian wishes come true?

ENIGMATIC HEROE’S FANGIRLS:  
OH GOD, YESSSSSS!!!! *massively coming on the back seats*

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:  
Oh damn, and who IS THAT??

CHRIS PINE FANGIRLS/PINE NUTS:  
Oi vey, it seems that the movie is started.  
Kind of. Wow. And who IS THAT??

VERY ALARMING MUSIC

MIGRANT:  
Wow, wow, easy, easy. Do you have your own theme music?  
Are you an important character? And what’s with your face?

TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:  
Abrams snatched the scenario, little nit,  
so I have no idea about myself,  
and have to use the acting skills and  
make the enigmatic face,   
so the audience will have VARIOUS THOUGHTS.

MIGRANT:  
Go ahead, make my wishes come true.

TALL ENIGMATIC GOAT IN THE COAT:  
Ок, but you have to die in the next scene.

MIGRANT:  
GOD DAMN IT!! I thought the first who die has to be at least black or Asian.

Place:  
THE EARTH, SAN FRANCISCO 

CHRIS PINE:  
Ssssppplendid, I got myself an excellent business trip for all my life  
with an excellent per diem allowance.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Not so fast, smartass! I snitched on you, though  
I have no idea why.

CHRIS PINE:  
You are a total asshole.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Are you trying to abuse me?

CHRIS PINE:  
No fucking shit, it’s my declaration of love.

ABRAMS:  
HEY! This is an idea!!

SLASH WRITERS:  
ОООООООО!!!! THIS IS AN IDEA!!!

TRUE TREKKIE:  
DAMN IT, here we go again.

Place:  
THE EARTH, LONDON

ENIGMATIC GOAT WITHOUT THE COAT:  
Making mysterious things, showing mysterious parts of his body.

AUDIENCE:  
(thinking VARIOUS THOUGHTS)

SLASH WRITERS:  
Оооо, this is an idea!!

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:  
Hey, this movie is not so bad and dull after all!

PINE NUTS:  
It seems, that we are not in a PINENUT world anymore!!

ENIGMATIC HEROE’S FANGIRLS:  
More is coming!!!

MIGRANT:  
MIXING cola and menthos, and  
SUDDENLY EVERYTHING EXPLODES

Place:   
THE EARTH, FRISCO

CHRIS PINE:  
Zachary, you nasty!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
No, you are a naughty boy! 

CHRIS PINE:  
You snitch!!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Is it an insult?

CHRIS PINE:  
No fucking fuck, it’s my declaration of love.

ABRAMS:  
Oh, this is an idea! Damn, I have to write it down.

SLAH WRITERS:  
And to put it online!

Suddenly appears ROBOCOP WELLER

AUDIENCE OLDER THAN 20:  
WOW ROBOCOP!! NOW HE WILL KICK ALL THE ASSES!

ABRAMS:  
No way, no way, didn’t guess, damn, I’m so crafty and sly!!

ROBOCOP WELLER:  
My dear boys, I don’t feel very much like RoboCop today.  
I mean, think, think, think.. I mean, catch me this GOAT IN THE FREAKING COAT.   
I can’t spell his name, as all Americans, so let’s call him JOHN HARRISON from now on.

CHRIS PINE:  
(going through HARRISON’S PHOTOS)  
Wow, what a handsome devil.

PINE NUTS:  
MORE!!! MOARRR CLOSE-UPS OF HARRISON!!

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGIRLS:  
SHOW HIM TO US ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY!!!!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Fuck.

CHRIS PINE:  
Fuck.

ENIGMATIC HERO’S FANGIRLS:  
We told ya!!

ABRAMS:  
Close-ups? Suuuuure.

SUDDENLY COMES HARRISON, KEEPING CALM AND CARRYING ON, SHOOTING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, KILLING THE CHARACTER WITH WHOM CHRIS PINE HAS AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION (KIND OF) , GIVING A LOOOOOK AND TRANSORTING ON VACATION TO A PLANET FAR-FAR-FAR-AWAY 

CHRIS PINE:  
Piu-piu! I mean, this is completely fucked up now, this is it.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
It’s not the word.

HARRISON:  
(uses acting skills and behaves in all meanings AWESOME AND COOL without any words)

CHRIS PINE:  
I’ll find you and I’ll kill you!! I’m the coolest one   
and the main handsome character in this movie!  
Everyone - on the ship, will go visit HARRISON, though I’m even not a captain!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
(Raises the eyebrow, trying to repeat the HARRISON’S cupid’s bow)

SIMON PEGG:  
Everyone loves, but nobody remembers my character,   
but I will show you hell with the neutron creme and transfers.  
I saw the script. So fuck that, no way, I’m not going with you.

ALICE EVE:  
BUT I AM GOING!!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Who the fuck are you!?

ABRAMS:  
She doesn’t mean anything for the plot, but her boobs in leather  
will help us to attract more teenagers into the theaters... oh, shut up!

ROBOCOP WELLER:  
K, PINE, you a captain now, my boy,  
and don’t forget the rockets, sweet, not tested, fresh, dangerous!

CHRIS PINE:  
I’m loving it! What a great, friendly guy, that WELLER!

EVERYONE IS FLYING TO VISIT HARRISON,  
SUDDENLY THE ENGINE IS BREAKING DOWN.

CHRIS PINE:  
Let’s go safari on the enemy’s planet ! It will be fun!

Damn it, Abrams, seriously?

ABRAMS:  
It is necessary. Go on.

CHRIS PINE, ZACHARY QUINTO, BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN PLAYED BY ZOE SALDANA AND SOME NOT IMPORTANT CHARACTERS ARE GOING AHEAD TO THE PLANET

ENEMYS’ SHIPS:  
Aha, bitches, you thought it was a tourism? HELL NO!

BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN, PLAYED BY ZOE SALDANA:  
I can speak with aborigines! And it’s totally not racist.

ENEMY’S CAPTAINS OF ENEMY’S SHIPS:  
Your accent is hideous! We have to kill you.

SUDDENLY JOHN HARRISON:  
Who’s talking about accents?? AVADA KEDAVRA!!

SHOOTING FROM THE VACUUM CLEANER ALL THE ABORIGENES AND ABORIGENES SHIPS.

CHRIS PINE:  
(gobsmacked, hanging in vacuum)  
Oh Jesus Christ, he is even more gorgeous in real life!!

ZACHARY QUINTO FANGILRS, PINE NUTS AND ENIGMATIC HEROE’S FANGIRLS:  
АААААААААААААААААААHHHH! SUPERHERO!!  
*coming*

JOHN HARRISON:  
I recall, seniors, that ROBOCOP WELLER sent me new, fresh, juicy,  
not tested rockets?

CHRIS PINE:  
(fangirling, gasping, can’t speak with the cult hero)

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Shit. Now our fandoms are gonna be totally fucked up..

Yep, we have them. 

JOHN HARRISON:  
So, where are they?

CHRIS PINE:  
On the ship. On my ship. On a big ship. On my big ship. Let’s go.  
Will you go with us?? Will you fly with us?   
Can I touch you? What white skin you have!

CHRIS PINE IS TOUCHING JOHN HARRISON,  
UNCONTROLLABLY FALLING INTO THE FANGIRLING HYSTERIA 

JOHN HARRISON:  
I think I’ve seen it before...

EVERYONE IS GOING TO THE BROKEN SHIP

JOHN HARRISON:  
Glass prison? Well, well... I think I’ve seen it before...

CHRIS PINE:  
(staring at HARRISON)  
What? Where? Aaah, yes. Yeaaah. Aha. What?

ABRAMS:  
Damn, it seems like I have to get on the script, this is sooo out in the left field.

SLASH WRITERS:  
This is an idea!!!  
Oh.  
Yeah, actually it IS.

TRUE TREKKIE:  
ABRAMS, yo mama!! Make a favor!

ABRAMS:  
Fuuucking fuck, you won’t like it guys.

SUDDENLY   
IT TURNS OUT, THAT JOHN HARRISON IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE KHAN, WHO WAS SLEEPING FOR 300 YEARS, WHO WAS AWOKEN BY ROBOCOP WELLER, WHO WANTS TO START A WAR, WHO USED KHAN’S CREW, WHICH IS SLEEPING IN CRYO CAPSULES, WHICH ARE IN ROCKETS, WHICH ROBOCOP WELLER GAVE TO CHRIS PINE.

EVERYBODY:  
FUUUUUCK!! SERIOUSLYY!11!?

TRUE TREKKIE:  
ABRAMS, MOTHERFUCKER!! YOU WILL ANSWER FOR THIS!! KHAN?! SERIOUSLY??

ABRAMS:  
WHAT A TWIST!! I’m fucking shocked myself; what a genius am I!

NEW JUST_TURNED_INTO_TREKKIE JJPHILS:  
JJ, what a cutie!!

CHRIS PINE:  
Now I UNDERSTAND everything. HARRISON, I mean, KHAN, I mean, CUMBERBATCH, you an awesome guy.  
Though you an Englishman. Our characters should be friends from now on.

EVERYBODY:  
DAMN IT!! SERIOUSLY!?! IT’S OK THAT HE IS A TERRORIST?!

CHRIS PINE:  
Shut up.  
And now let’s look at this piece of fur.  
IT IS IMPORTANT.

KARL URBAN:  
I don’t give a fuck,  
what’s going on. ABRAMS,   
you moron, I won’t work with you anymore.

ABRAMS:  
Oh, I’m all scared!!

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
And people will gossip, for sure will gossip, that  
I was on the same side with PINE. I have to stay away from him,  
what if it’s infectious?

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
(uses mad, bitching awesome acting skills, badass voice, and puts all the audience in the  
euphoric haze, so no one can remember what actually he said, also because it was too smart)

ALL THE WOMEN:  
Now we are all Cumberbitches!! Damn, he is also extremely talented!

CHRIS PINE:  
Oh shit, I thought our razzle-dazzle will do it, like the last time.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
You are not alone, egghead.  
What we will do now? We need a twist!

SUDDENLY APPEARS ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:  
What’s up, BITCHES?!

CHRIS PINE:  
Where did YOU came from?

ABRAMS:  
(scrolling the script)  
I have exactly the same question.

ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:  
Rockets!! Arrr! My boy! 

CHRIS PINE:  
We have some kind of a replacement here... BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH.   
Oh, yeah, and surprisingly ABRAMS got the script.

ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:  
Well, I have to kill you for this.

CHRIS PINE:  
Da FUCK!?! WHY?!

ROBOCOP WELLER ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS SHIP:  
(giving gimlet gaze to ABRAMS)  
I have exactly the same question.

ABRAMS:  
(chaotically scrolling the script, showing with hands’ gestures to continue)

SIMON PEGG:  
Everybody again forgot about my hero, but I’ll show you hell with the  
neutron creme and transfers.  
I saw the script!! Come on; let’s hang out on the BADASS SHIP!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
Finally, at least one clear-headed man around.  
And, by the way, this ship is mine. It’s so sick and badass, because   
it’s RIGHT-hand drive, since I’m an Englishman, blimey! 

SIMON PEGG:  
Me too. Kind of. That’s why we got wise in this crazy madhouse.

CHRIS PINE:  
(fangirling even more)

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
To justify how cool I am, I have to make   
AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE

TABLOIDS:  
DID HE SAY POSH?!??

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
Oh, pipe down already.

CHRIS PINE:  
Can I go with you, please, please, please!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AND CHRIS PINE MAKING AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE

 

CHRIS PINE:   
UIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!

ZACHARY QUINTO:

My character is emotionally lame, and at the beginning I had to wear a   
repulsive costume, but I guess it’s kinda time to stop stupidly chanting and harping  
all the way, otherwise no one will come  
to cinemas to look at me ever again.   
It’s time to show, what a handsome beast I am!

AND FUCK YOU ALL, I HAVE THE NUMBER OF LEONARD NIMOY!!

ZACHARY QUINTO CALLING LEONARD NIMOY LIKE A BOSS

LEONARD NIMOY:  
Ta-da! Hello there. What’s up?

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
Some kind of an English cumberpanch  
kicking our ass, and ABRAMS has no clue in script.

LEONARD NIMOY:  
LOL. (making trollface)  
Suckers.  
K, I’m some kind of a guru here, I know about original series, so what the hell.

LEONARD NIMOY SHARES HIS WISDOM WITH ZACHARY QUINTO.  
ZACHARY QUINTO SHARES LEONARD NIMOY ‘S WISDOM WITH KARL URBAN.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH AND CHRIS PINE FINISHING AN EPIC, SICK, POSH AND FUCKING WICKED MANEUVER IN SPACE AND MEET SIMON PEGG  
ON THE SUPER SICK AND BADASS RIGHT-HAND DRIVE SHIP

SIMON PEGG:  
Sup, dudes.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
Hello, dear sir. I mean, let’s go and kick RIGHT-HAND DRIVE ship thief’s ass.

ASSES KICKED TILL THE CAPTAIN’S BRIDGE, WHERE THE ROBOCOP WELLER REMEMBERS HIS DAYS OF GLORY.

CHRIS PINE:  
(winking at SIMOIN PEGG)

SIMON PEGG JIGGING AND ACCIDENTALY  
SHOOTING BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH 

SIMPON PEGG:  
DAMN IT.

ROBOCOP WELLER:  
My boy! 

CHRIS PINE:  
Listen, this is really weird to call me so, I’m too old for this shit.  
And I want to drive.  
Let me drive! Let me, let me!! Nanana!

ROBOCOP WELLER:  
No way!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:   
(getting up)  
Bloody hell, what an impudent nation. For god’s sake, this ship is mine  
if you forgot!

CUMBERBATCH KICKING THE REST OF THE ASSES AND   
CALLING ZACHARY QUINTO

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
Fuck your damn script, mister ABRAMS, and though it is such a pleasure  
to work with you, you such a brilliant, genius man, I’m so glad... 

ABRAMS:  
Don’t even ask, I won’t give you any additional screen time.  
You’re running out of your limit, and sorry, but I have to cut the  
shower scene, or no one ever will remember what was the movie about.  
You had eight phrases, that’s enough.   
Hove and woffle in your Sherlock, I have to deal   
with all the broken fandoms after your appearance.

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
DAMN!! Americans.  
To cut it short, I’m a big bad wolf..   
Oh, boy. I’m totally frustrated with these hollywoods!

I’m a terrorist, give me the rockets, bitch.  
Yeah, that’s about right.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
WHOOPS! WHAT A TWIST!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH:  
Well? You’ve heard, I will be deported back to Hogwarts any minute now.

ZACHARY QUINTO:  
YAPPI-ki-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER!!

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH YAPPI-ki-YAYED, ZACHARY QUINTO PINED AND PEGGED, ALL THE SHIPS ARE BROKEN AND GOING DOWN TO EARTH

VERY TOUCHING MOMENT BETWEEN  
CHRIS PINE AND ZACHARY QUINTO.

SLASH WRITERS EXULTED

TRUE TREKKIE LEAVING THE CINEMA, CURSING JJ

EVERYBODY CHECKING OUT THE BENEDICT CUMBERBATHC’S BANGS

BOTH SEX SURVIVORS IN AUDIENCE TURNED INTO CUMBERBITCHES

SOME SCENES WITHOUT BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, BUT NO ONE CARES

EVERYBODY:  
HELL NO?!?! THIS IS IT??!! NO CUMBERBATCH ANYMORE??! WHAAAH?

ABRAMS:  
God damn it, ok...

SHOWS SLEEPING CUMBERBATCH 

EVERYBODY:  
UIIIIIIIIII!!! BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH!!!  
OH MY GOD!!!  
*couple girls got heart attacks*

ZACHARY QUINTO and CHRIS PINE:  
God damn you...

 

CONSTANTIN STANISLAVSKI:  
ABRAMS, give me the number of this CUBMERBATCH guy.   
I want to tell him ONE WORD.


End file.
